KSU does NOT have a gambling problem.

I repeat, KSU does NOT have a gambling problem. I cannot stress that enough. They're just really interested in sports odds.

In a study reminiscent of something from Guys and Dolls or any story that involves hustlers hanging around racetracks with "can't fail" systems, a Kansas State University professor says that there's a way to predict the outcome of some college football games. And it's not the heat, it's the humidity. Well, the contrast between humid and arid regions.

Apparently, this economics professor found that teams from humid regions end up getting their butts handed to them when they play in arid regions. Bookmakers take note. After all, the study was about ways to make the market for sports betting "more efficient," so I'm glad that someone gets to benefit from this state-funded research work, even if it's not starving orphans, cancer victims, or war amputees.

Another Way to Screw Up Your Kids

Look out, world! Another scientific study has been published to tell you something you already knew! That's right, the Cornell College of Human Ecology has announced that playing favorites with your children will make them depressed adults.

I will concede that the study had an interesting finding: even the favored children end up with problems. I'm not overflowing with sympathy for them, but they have to put up with the pressure of their parents' expectations, and they end up shouldering the resentment of their less-favored siblings. So even the winners end up losers when parents play favorites.

The sad thing is that some parents don't even realize that they're treating their children unequally. 30% of mothers surveyed said that they treated their children equally, while only 15% of children felt equally treated. That's right, you can cause lasting emotional damage without even trying! Hooray?

Oh, Missouri

Why are your kids so filthy? And I ask because I care, not because I want to pass judgment on you or anything. Seriously, your school kids need serious help.

I'm talking about treatment-resistant ringworm. It's a fungus, not a worm, but the fact remains: 7% of your elementary school children are covered in drug-resistant fungus. That's just nasty.

Children's Mercy Hospitals and Clinics has issued a press release about it, and hopefully people will pay attention. Sharing hats, combs, anything that touches your head? Knock that crap off right away.

OMG! DRAMA!

Does talking about your problems with someone make them better, or worse? Actually, go back a step. How to you talk about your problems with people? Are you trying to find solutions, or do you just want people to pay attention to you while you complain?

Remember all the drama of high school? The endless discussion about who got in a fight/started dating/etc.? I can only imagine how much worse it is with crap like twitter and instant/text messaging. So, Stony Brook University started looking at what kind of effects it has on them (and went with the exciting study name "Clarifying co-rumination: Associations with internalizing symptoms and romantic involvement among adolescent girls").

Their studies show that frequent discussion of problems can lead to depression or anxiety. I'm not sure they aren't putting the cart before the horse, though. Isn't it equally possible that depressed or anxious people spend more time running to their friends to talk about how worried they are?

When Is Intolerance a Good Thing?

According to health experts, having a high alcohol tolerance is a bad sign. I disagree. As we should be tolerant of others who may have different religious, social, or romantic values, we should also be tolerant of alcohol and all of the friendly pranks it can play on our minds, hearts, and livers.

Like most forms of tolerance, alcohol tolerance is easiest to teach to the young. Studies show that binge drinking at an early age can lead to increased alcohol tolerance later on in life. What better way to prepare your children for the rigors of college life than by giving them a celebratory six pack every time they bring home a good report card?

Okay, I'm just kidding (to a point). Binge drinking children aren't cool. But I also think that there's an unnecessary hate out there for having a high alcohol tolerance. Alcohol is our misunderstood friend. Remember, Science has proven that it's better to keep drinking than to stop.

Keep that in mind when you're out having fun tonight. Happy New Year!

Single Moms: Don't Judge 'Em.

It's not like they're bad parents, according to the University of Maryland. Okay, let me rephrase that. It's not like they're not trying as hard as married parents. I'll explain in a minute.

It turns out that single mothers spend 83%-90% as much time caring for their children as married mothers. It's understandable that they have less time to spend with their children, but researchers were surprised to see that single mothers came so close to matching the amount of childcare time that married mothers provide. True, the constraints of their jobs can dictate how much time they will have available for their children, but some single mothers appear to be able to rely on support networks outside of traditional marriage to help them balance their work and their families.

The whole "bad parents" thing? Well, let's just say that time spent with your children doesn't automatically make you a good parent. There are plenty of bad parents--both single and unmarried--who spend lots of time with their kids. They still do a crappy job.

Toothlessness: Nature or Nurture?

Nearly one-fourth of the children in the United States didn't see the dentist last year. Now, I hate going to the dentist, and I find it tough to care about other people's children (I'm a jerk like that), but according to the University of South Carolina, it's a public health problem.

I guess that they have a point. For one thing, these kids are going to grow up to be toothless adults. And Halitosis ain't pretty.

Still, I learned some things from this study. Did you know that the United States can designate Dental Health Professional Shortage Areas? It's a fact! Of course, I don't see the federal government training any new dentists to improve the situation, but at least they're keeping an eye on it.

Also interesting? Vermont led the nation in children receiving dental care. Actually, by "interesting," I meant to say "boring." Vermont, call me when you decide to start living on the edge. Until then, you have fun with your cheese and your dentists, but don't think for a second that you're hardcore.

Teens Are Trying To Kill You

No, not with their go-go lifestyle of loud music, wild drugs, and wilder sex. They want to kill you with their cars. They're so hell bent on driving that they don't bother getting their license first, and end up being some of the most dangerous hazards on the road.

Unlicensed teens drive recklessly, and don't follow traffic laws. Why should they? They're already driving without a license. The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia found that 20% of the 14- to 18-year-old drivers involved in fatal car accidents were driving without a license. Unlicensed drivers are more likely to drive drunk or while on drugs, drive without using a seatbelt, and "driving without a purpose," which sounds crazy dangerous. Damn kids.

Much like those PSAs they run saying that drunk drivers aren't as dangerous to themselves as they are to other people, these unlicensed teen drivers are a real health hazard. There are some comically racist conclusions in the study as well, about urban vs. rural teens and which minorities are most likely to drive without a license, but it's not really worth mentioning.

Fight Fat with Text Messaging

Oh, if only sending texts to people burned calories. That's what I thought when I saw the headline that text messaging helps keep kids slim, but UNC-Chapel Hill is just a big tease.

They're not telling us that you can keep your kids trim and healthy by making them send text messages to each other, they're encouraging people to keep their kids slim with digital nagging. It's weight watchers for tech geeks.

Three groups of test subjects (families of parents and children) were given instructions for healthy living and then asked about the amount they walked, the number of sweetened drinks they drank in a day, and the amount of time they spent in front of a (TV or computer) screen over the course of the study.

The group that reported their results via cell phone text message stayed at it the longest, with only 28% dropping out. I thought it was funny that while 50% of the non-reporting group dropped out, a massive 61% of the group that was supposed to write down their results in a diary said "Screw this, I've got better things to do with my time."

The saddest part was the automated messages that were sent back to the text messaging group whenever they reported their results. I see the next big internet startup being programs that generate text messages of encouragement to you while you're on a diet. "Good job, CITIZEN, you did great work REDUCING YOUR CALORIC INTAKE BY -2%."

Pediatricians Make Lousy Bartenders

Look, drunks make lousy parents. I'm not going to argue that. However, I am willing to discuss the level of intervention that the state should take when it comes to identifying and intervening when it is suspected that a parent has a drinking problem.

No, I'm not writing about something that happened to me (yet). I'm talking about the goody two-shoes parents who told Children's Hospital Boston that it's okay to get screened for alcohol abuse while they're taking their child to the doctor. Of the 879 parents asked, 90% were open to being asked about their alcohol use.

The problem with alcohol screening is that the thresholds are set way too low. This study found that one in every nine parents were found to have a "positive alcohol screen," and 75% of the parents with a positive screen were willing to be screened for alcohol problems during the visit--probably because they didn't know they'd be "problem" cases.

Then the researchers launched further attacks, raising the possibility that the parents who declined the screening were probably also drunks who knew they'd fail the test. If you're not guilty, you have nothing to hide, right? (/sarcasm)

Yes, alcoholics bad, responsible parents good. Still, they've got no right poking into my business, and they can take my ice-cold Schlitz when they pry it out of my ice-cold (dead) hand!

Are You Genetically Reckless, or Behaviorally?

So, children of parents who smoke are more impulsive and more likely to take risks. In fact, both the children and their parents are more impulsive, according to Nationwide Children's Hospital.

It's all about your "delay discounting" ability, which is fancy talk for being able to put off a small reward in the present for a greater reward in the future (although in the case of smoking, it's more like ditching a small reward in the present to avoid a massive punishment in the future, but who am I to argue with science?). The cigarette-smoking parents want their rewards right here and now; it's why they smoke. The study is showing that apples don't fall far from their respective trees since the children of smokers are also choosing the immediate rewards.

Of course, they left off the crucial question: do they make these choices because they were raised that way, or is it part of their genetic makeup? Would it have made a difference if they had laid down some ground rules?

I can put off something good in the present if I'm sure there's something great in store for the future, but I think it's something my parents taught me.

What about you? Where do you think it comes from?

If It LOOKS Better, It Must TASTE Better

So say children everywhere. Were you embarrassed to eat the generic, store brand cereal? The stuff that came in the sacks instead of the boxes? With the almost-but-not-quite-the-same cartoon mascots? I know it made me feel weird.

It's part of a deliberate marketing strategy (of course). And it's working. The American Public Health Association has found that children who are offered cereal with well-recognized cartoon mascots on the box (Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle & Pop, Sugar Bear, etc.) found that it tasted better than the exact same cereal from a box without the character.

There's another piece of the research that's a little more heartening. Children thought that a cereal with a healthy-sounding name tasted better than the same cereal with a less-healthy name. So, all we have to do is trust that marketers will be truthful in choosing cereal names that reflect the nutritional value of their product. What could go wrong with that?

How to Raise a Victim

I used to call them "disaster magnets" in college. You know, the people who always had things going wrong? Their parents were on disability, their (other) friends committed suicide, they were sexually assaulted, their landlords were going to evict them, their exes were stalking them, etc. They were drama central, and I was always afraid to be around them for extended periods of time in case whatever they had was contagious.

Well, the Archives of General Psychiatry says that they were raised that way. In fact, some families can raise children who are "consistently victimized," and these "chronic victims" usually come from poor backgrounds and have strict parents. You all remember where strict parenting leads, right?

The study is suggesting that these children need "early preventive interventions," and I agree for the most part. The thing is that the research appears to be based on Canadians. I'm not sure if that excludes the results or gives it more validity (ZING! I'm just kidding, Canadians, you're good people with great syrup and a fabulous hockey tradition.)

Religious Kids Have More Incentive To Lie

At least, that's the conclusion that I've drawn from a study conducted by Brigham Young University sociologists. I think my findings are as valid as theirs, even if they were looking at a link between religion and marijuana use.

The study measured "religiosity" in teenagers, defined as how freqently they attended church and how important religion was to them. The researchers examined data sets from a National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health and a state-wide survey of Utah schools. They compared answers to conclude that teens with more "religiosity" were half as likely to use marijuana, drink alcohol, or smoke.

Interestingly enough, this religiosity didn't affect the likelihood of their using cocaine or heroin.

Are we really going to take these teenagers at their word? First, it's completely possible that they're upwardly exaggerating the number of times that they go to church. I do it all the time. Second, wouldn't the kids who ARE more religious want to avoid being judged by their church and their peers for using drugs? Oh, sure, their religion might consider lying to be a sin, but if they're already sinning by using drugs, why wouldn't they lie about it?

I'm not saying that participating in a religious community has no benefits at all, I just want to be cautious about not overestimating them. After all, good parenting is important, too.

Has your appendix burst: Y/N (Check One)

Sorry for the title, but the news from Johns Hopkins Children's Center has me thinking of those fifth-grade "do you like me" questions you'd pass to each other as notes. It's actually a serious issue, since it involves sick kids, which is kind of sad, and also vomiting and diarrhea, which is difficult to deal with even in non-life-threatening circumstances.

It's tough to tell the stomach flu from appendicitis--past research shows that half o f appendicitis cases are misdiagnosed when first evaluated by a doctor. That's why the medical center developed a checklist that doctors can run down to make sure that they're not dealing with the potential of a ruptured appendix.

The press release itself just includes four questions, about white blood cell count, abodominal pain, diarrhea, and vomiting. Hopefully, it will lead to fewer cases of ruptured appendices, because doctors will be able to spot the signs earlier.

Snoring Children are Stupid Children

So sayeth the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center. According to them, 2 out of every 3 children who snore have some kind of cognitive defecit. I want to know if they're looking at the chicken, or its egg.

The study sounds like it was a real party, because they used near infared spectroscopy, "which is able to penetrate the skull with high-powered light beams." While they were in there, they measured oxygen levels, and it turns out that kids who snore end up with brains that are less saturated with oxygen. Now, from the press release alone it's not clear whether the lack of oxygen stunts the brain's development and leads to the cognitive deficit, or whether the cognitive defecit is preventing them from correctly regulating their breathing while asleep.

Really, all they say at the end is that this study shows that they have a lot more to study. For one thing, children with sleep apnea (who also had the same high incidence of cognitive development) had higher blood oxygenation levels while asleep than "normal" children. So, it's a noteworthy study not because they learned anything groundbreaking, but because they're penetrating skulls and using high-powered light beams.

Bad Behavior Is in the Genes; Jeans Not Entirely Free From Blame

So it turns out that criminals (that is to say, real criminals, not just bears with attitude problems) seek each other out socially. Yes, we already knew they all hang out together in college, but it looks like it starts even younger.

Florida State University is reporting that they have located a gene that indicates criminal tendencies, and that young men in possession of this gene tend to group with their delinquent (and genetically defective) peers. It seems a little suspect to me. I mean, what next, are they going to determine whether someone is predisposed to criminal behavior by feeling the bumps on their head? Phrenology was dismissed as nonsense a long time ago, do we really need to blame bad behavior on genes?

To its credit, the study also acknowledges factors like environment and upbringing can have an effect on whether or not the adolescent males will in fact be delinquent. The criminal genes might not express themselves as fully, or express themselves more easily, depending on the subject's situation. Of course, if they're seeking out peers who are also likely to commit crime, then we're back to square one.

(Hormone-Laden, Teenage) Monkeys See, Monkeys Do

It turns out that teen dating isn't all skinny-dipping and trips to the malt shop (like anyone under 75 has actually gone to a malt shop). According to St. Louis University, teenage relationships are rife with physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

What's going to solve this problem? Bracelets, naturally. Like the livestrong bracelets with an anti beating-your-partner message. Bracelets and constant vigilance.

Same Problems, Different Causes

This study has it all. Violence, exploitation of children, gender bias, you name it.

Researchers studied kids with "conduct problems" like ADHD or oppositional defiance disorder. Kids with and without problems were asked to play video games for money (as much as $50 at a time!). Then the scientists monitored things like heart rate and how much they would sweat.

It turns out that the boys with conduct problems are physically calmer (lower heart rate, less sweat) at rest AND while gaming for dollars -- suggesting that it's not a conduct PROBLEM, it's a conduct SOLUTION -- than their counterparts without problems. On the other hand, this physical distinction doesn't manifest between girls with problems and girls without.

Ultimately, the researchers are saying that the source of the problems may be different in girls and boys, so they should be studied separately. I just wish a medical study would pay ME $50 to play video games.

Sorry. I wanted to, but couldn't figure out how to make a catfight reference in this post.

Wait, Is This Study Racist, Sexist, Or Both?

I mean, come on, people.

It says that Mexican immigrants are less likely to use contraception than Mexican-American women before they have a baby. Can we rephrase that a little more offensively? All we need is Pat Buchanan to draw some inflammatory conclusions from it, and we're good to go.

The author suggests that this could be "simply because they want to start having children as soon as possible," noting that contraceptive use among Mexican immigrants was similar to contraceptive use among women in Mexico. The study notes that 69 percent of sexually active women in Mexico use contraception, but contraception is only used by 24 percent of childless women.

Outrage by the numbers: blah blah anchor babies, blah blah how many times before they learn their lesson, blah blah no wonder they're outbreeding the Anglos. I think we're done here.