They Won't Have To Hunt Us

So, we're using robots to help stroke victims regain their mobility.

It makes sense. I wouldn't want to spend my day watching someone do boring, repetitive motions to rebuild their muscle strength. In fact, it's so boring and repetitive that the stroke victims don't like doing it. The breakthrough in this case is that by involving virtual reality environments (read: having patients use the robot as a controller in a video game), stroke victims will work at the rehab exercises longer and regain function faster.

Sure, it sounds helpful at first. Until you think about what's in it for the robots. Not only will we be providing them with massive amounts of valuable data about how we move, where our mobility weaknesses are, and how we can be stopped from moving, but we're also giving them the chance to harm us directly. It's all fun and games physical therapy until the patient has his legs ripped off. We won't need faster robots that hunt us like dogs, we're already walking right into their cold metallic hands!

Apples, Pears, Livers, and Fat

Had you heard about apple fat vs. pear fat? I first learned about it when I was leafing through a Cosmo a few years ago (What? Don't look at me like that. It was for valid research purposes). It was a very helpful article, with silhouettes superimposed over fruits and everything. It made me a better person.

Anyway, the idea was that people with big round apple-shaped beer guts are headed for trouble with all kinds of heart problems, while the people with big behinds and thick legs (making them look kind of pear-shaped) have less to worry about. It's not what fat you're carrying, it's where you carry it, was the idea. It turns out that the article was wrong. Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis says that the best way to tell if you are headed for trouble with insulin resistance, cholestoral problems, and the fast track to diabetes and heart disease is to check for excess fat in the liver ("nonalcoholic fatty liver disease").

So now it turns out I've got to worry about whether or not I have a chubby liver. I thought fretting about love handles was bad enough. I mean, what exercises can you do to tone up a liver?

Fight Fat with Text Messaging

Oh, if only sending texts to people burned calories. That's what I thought when I saw the headline that text messaging helps keep kids slim, but UNC-Chapel Hill is just a big tease.

They're not telling us that you can keep your kids trim and healthy by making them send text messages to each other, they're encouraging people to keep their kids slim with digital nagging. It's weight watchers for tech geeks.

Three groups of test subjects (families of parents and children) were given instructions for healthy living and then asked about the amount they walked, the number of sweetened drinks they drank in a day, and the amount of time they spent in front of a (TV or computer) screen over the course of the study.

The group that reported their results via cell phone text message stayed at it the longest, with only 28% dropping out. I thought it was funny that while 50% of the non-reporting group dropped out, a massive 61% of the group that was supposed to write down their results in a diary said "Screw this, I've got better things to do with my time."

The saddest part was the automated messages that were sent back to the text messaging group whenever they reported their results. I see the next big internet startup being programs that generate text messages of encouragement to you while you're on a diet. "Good job, CITIZEN, you did great work REDUCING YOUR CALORIC INTAKE BY -2%."

Do You Like Working Out?

Actually, a more fitting title is "Do you like excruciating pain?"

Physical therapy sucks. It's painful, difficult, and usually frustrating as you struggle to complete simple motions that were once effortless to you. It's no wonder that a lot of people would prefer to skip their physical therapy sessions.

Johns Hopkins Medical Center has developed a way to tell in advance if patients are going to be blowing off their physical therapy appointments. They did a whole survey and everything, naming it a Patient Activation Measure (calling it PAM for short, which may or may not be because they're huge fans of The Office), and using it to predict how involved the patients want to be with their recovery. You may not be surprised to hear that patients who felt that they were less responsible for their own health/well being/recovery were more likely to skip therapy.

The whole thing seems much more elaborate and complicated than just asking the patients, "Hey, are you gonna do that physical therapy or not?" but I guess that's why I'm not a doctor.

Live Fast, Die Young, Leave a Honeybee Corpse Behind

There are two types of bees in this world; the lazy SOB's who loaf around the hive all day, watching TV and waiting for their welfare checks to arrive in the mail, and the hard-working go-getters who are out there in the fields, foraging for new sources of pollen. Or nectar. Or whatever the hell it is that bees eat forage for.

The hard working foragers die first (surprise!). At least, I think that's what this study is trying to show. Something about active bees processing more oxygen, the effects of age observed as the inability to process oxygen efficiently, There's some extra commentary about bees being forced to go and forage earlier by the hive leads to them aging faster and dying sooner, but I really can't make much sense of it.

I'm a loud-mouthed internet pundit, not a scientist! It just sounds to me like aerobic exercise will kill you faster, which is fine because it was worthless anyway.

This Is Why I Don't Play Football

Not professionally, anyway. I totally have the skills, I just don't want to end up with lead poisoning.

It turns out that if the microscopic rubber particles from astroturf are ingested, some of their more harmful chemical components can be absorbed into the body. This includes lead, polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (that's right, you heard me. Polycyclic hydrocarbons.) and zinc. The zinc means that astroturf isn't just going to kill us, it's going to take down non-human species in the environment as well.

All of our modern conveniences are going to kill us, one way or another.

Teaching You to Lose Weight

UC San Diego is spending an awful lot of effort worrying about the "freshman fifteen". They put out a press release that's all about what college students can do to keep from packing on the pounds. Of course, it wouldn't have been written by their PR department if it didn't casually mention all of the programs specifically offered at UC San Diego to keep students healthy.

I want to know if all this is necessary if parents take steps to teach their children healthy habits at an early age. Sure, college-level programs telling people to eat less and exercise more are useful, but where have we failed as a society when they become necessary?

I Said I'm Playing Better!

The University of Chicago literally has sports on the brain. According to their research, the same part of your brain that "lights up" when playing a sport also turns on and gets engaged when you are talking about a sport. It's something that doesn't normally happen when talking, and isn't normally associated with language.

I'm always interested in ways to improve my brain without breaking a sweat, since there's no point to exercise. Of course, it doesn't seem like this makes you better at actually playing sports, just better at talking about them.

Spanking is a Gateway Abuse

Parents out there still spank, and that's fine. I mean, whatever, who am I to tell you how to raise your kids. They'll just turn out to be sexual deviants, that's all.

Anyway, UNC has studied the link between spanking and physical abuse, and they think that the two are connected. The study, which may make good reading for spanking fetishists, consisted of calling parents anonymously and asking them if they spanked their children, if they spanked their children using an object like a belt or a switch, and if they used harsher forms of corporal punishment (i.e., child abuse). The original survey had intended to include a question as to whether the spankings were administered to dirty little sluts who were asking for it, but they couldn't afford the extra charge of $5.99/minute (ZING!).

I don't know how groundbreaking this survey really is. Some parents admit to spanking their children. Of those parents, some of them admit to going one step further and abusing their children. Well, that was time well spent. I'm glad we were able to clear up such a nuanced issue.

There's Only One Indestructible Cheerleader

According to the National Center for Catastrophic Sports Injury Research (yes, that is an awesome name for a research center), cheerleaders see more than their fair share of injuries. A lot more.

The center found that two thirds of severe sports injuries to females happened to cheerleaders. The researchers cited an increase in the number of gymnastic stunts used in cheerleading, and took a swipe at coaches who they felt were not "competent."

There is no news about the number of severe injuries to females who are engaging in sexual role-playing as cheerleaders.

Hot, Wet Teens Define "Hot" and "Wet" Differently from Adults

Abstinence-only programs don't work. We all knew that, but a University of Washington study is trying to find out why. They're saying that adults and teens define abstinence differently.

The researchers propose an "escalator theory," saying that once teens start thinking about abstinence, it makes them aware of sex, and their awareness of sex leads to them having sex. I'm not sure if it's arguing that we're just never supposed to tell teenagers about sex ever, or what. I guess that we could just start telling teenagers that bras are supposed to serve the same purpose as road flares, or something.

Dutch Announce: No Point to Exercise

For some people who just want to feel better, anyway. The Archives of General Psichiatry is reporting on a study from VU University of Amsterdam showing that in diverse populations, voluntary exercise does not ease anxiety and depression.

For some people, there is a genetic link between exercising and feeling better, but the rest of us can skip walking and take the bus.

Since exercise doesn't help with depression, and we're treating it the wrong way, what is there to do?